Saturday, June 26, 2010

wherein i divulge a bit more (or perhaps too much) about myself

so being on this path of self discovery, whereby i am almost graduated but not quite yet and where i have actually worked for a year (much longer than what i initially thought i could last given my short attention span) has been pretty exciting thus far. and in the midst of looking for potential career paths and the resume writing, i thought i'd jot down a few of the more memorable things that i've experienced in the last few years.

no, this blog post is not for you, its a reminder for me myself and the narcissistic I. so if you've got better things to do rather than read about the possibly whiny life of a 23 year old singaporean girl then please by all means click on the cross on upper right of your browser. otherwise...

I started living my life when i was 18.

i remember it distinctly, just like the title of this blog, it truely was an epiphany. it was this long conversation with one of my brothers, because i was feeling utterly depressed, that really did it. i wanted to LIVE and break out of my small singaporean world (in case you were wondering, that conversation included discussions about darwanism, atheism, human rights, procrastination and the average human life span, yes very sophie's world, i know)

it kickstarted my need to go out and see the world and to try as many new things as i could. i finally understood the words carpe diem for what they were. and i felt it in my blood. and started to act on my gut instincts. i saved up whatever money i could from working as a sales girl for a trip to visit a dear friend of mine in Melbourne for a couple of days. it was the first time i travelled independently. and coincedentally also my first taste of freedom.

it was like a breath of fresh air.

ever since i knew i had to have more. i miraculously qualified for the National University of Singapore despite my crappy grades and decided to take up german as my third language. till today when people ask me why i took german and not anything else, my best explanation would be to tell you to read freud and understand that our subconcious dictates our irrational actions. or that it was my background in european history and having more interest for the Axis powers of the 2nd world war.

in the next two years, i had been extremely active in hall. i can't emphasize how important those two years were for me. it did wonders for my self confidence for one, and for another helped me find great friends that i know i can count on. but that place was like everything else i didn't like about singapore, it was self-contained to a point that people didn't really seem care much for anything else outside.

and i left for germany. home to beer, sausages and oktoberfest; but more importantly, home, to philosophers like kant, hegel, nietzche and musicians like beethoven and revolutionists like marx, to their dark history, amazing politcal awareness, to free education till university, to a place where people actually wanted to study because they wanted to learn. they wanted to learn, and that was it. no questions asked. from my room/classmates' influence i started to align myself with their work-hard-play-hard philosophy, and from my anthropology lecturer, my interest in sociology. in fact i dont think i've ever like myself more than when i was in germany.

and i guess that explains why i'm here in china, because i know i didn't want to stay in singapore when i had the opportunity to come out. and beijing , for its sheer size, the hustle and bustle of the city and materialism, feels like a rebellious but yet intelligent teenager wanting to prove himself to the world. and that is something i can relate to. why not? it excites the people here, and you feel it from they way they talk about their hopes and futures and from all the hype that she's getting from the world media.

so here i am. shaped from my experiences from the start of my life since the late age of 18. some people have lived all their lives fully from the start, but i'm glad to say that at least better late than never works for me.

this is me - effectively trillingual agnostic, believer in fate, but also in being control of your own destiny. a self proclaimed techie with interests in language and sociology; a idealist turned cynic, lover of life and the one that thinks no time is better than the now. i dont regret protecting my heart with the games i play, or the blunt things i'm capable of saying out of good intentions, nor do i believe that we should ever stop learning. i've follow my gut instincts and i am proud of the person that i am today.

and the cause of all this? getting dumped by a boy. looking back now, it sure as hell is worth it. (:


jasmine said...

Woah dearie, a very good piece of reflection. You've grown so much since you got dumped by a guy who didn't know better. :)